My lesson in growing

I am sitting here, thinking, about the value, if any, of sharing and remembering this soul baring stream of thoughts. If I had a motivation I suppose it would be hope, because the end of the story is one of positive change, of how it is possible and how to embrace it.

If I were to list the good and the ugly pieces of my life, I would list more ugly than good. That may not mean I experienced more ugly than good, just that those memories stand out more. I felt like the odd child out, the duckling in the family of swans, the never good enough one. I wonder, nature or nurture ?

I have heard it said by wiser people than myself, that we learn by learning the consequences. I never got it. I lived in the moment and never considered what if. Does this have some meaning in and of itself ? Did other children actually engage in a weights and measures thought process before acting ?

I had one redeeming quality, beautiful blue eyes. It got overshadowed by a big nose and big ears and  unfiltered communication. I am smart in the existential and dumb in the concrete cores. I beat to a different  drummer in that I formed my theory and then set about trying to prove it. I didn’t figure on adding up evidence to develop a theory. Sometimes my way worked and I dazzled with brilliance, other times I was just nuts.

My fear became public shame and humiliation. I did not want to be at the head of the class, open and vulnerable for criticism. I did not want to be the punch line of family jokes due to my oddness. My life was one of “if only” from the outside judgment teams to the inside superego.

Here are some quotes from the external “if only” list:

“If only she was prettier, but one day we will pay for a nose job.”
“If only she worked to her potential.”
:If only she could be seen and not heard.”

Here are some from the internal list:

“If only they would see me in a positive light.”
“I only they could see me.”
“If only they could hear me”
“If only they would stop picking on me.”
“If only I didn’t need someone to stand up for me.”

I ran and ran and ran to find a better place or way. After 40 years, not days nor nights, one word, one action, one voice screaming “enough”  I changed. My life changed. I made myself, seen and heard and I made myself matter. I took an eraser and white out and when negativity snuck in, I made it gone again.

I invented me as I wanted to be. I made a two column list, one titled “Me” and the other “everything/everyone else.”  Then I wrote down any questions I had, and answered by checking the columns as such”

I guess I didn’t even need a second column, cause I was holding all the cards and didn’t even know it. I taught myself to think, mostly about those consequences I never thought about before. I weighed the benefits and costs to myself. I learned that if I stopped worrying about “all else” I could make me happy.

And here is the best part: My “I am happy “ magnet attracts what I wanted all along. Ain’t that something ?