It is an honor and priviledge to share my story with You.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
It was July 9, 2003 in the Valley of the Sun, Phoenix, Arizona. It was sweltering hot.
I arrived at the Casino that day in the relative cool of the morning. The windows rolled down and the warm/dry air was blowing through my hair. I thought what a feeling of freedom.
As I was very accustomed to doing for the past 13 years with my gambling ‘system’, I put just enough gas in the car to make certain I could return home after my customary early morning gambling. My preference was to arrive at the casino early in the morning so I could be free to select the slot machine of my choice. The casino was where I felt most comfortable in the entire world.
I enjoyed arriving early when there were the fewest people there. More elbow room and the less interaction with people the better. As far as I was concerned people were a distraction from my flow of gambling. Nothing, absolutely nothing, was as important to me as continuing to gamble.
I was very much aware that it was my only Daughter’s birthday. So, like the gas money, I had set aside money to purchase my Daughter a gift. Promising myself I would leave in plenty of time to go shopping to buy her something very special.
The air was cool in the casino, where I had invested so many years, days and hours of my life.
As it approached 3:00pm (the hottest part of the day), I was aware we had agreed to meet for dinner at 5:00pm to celebrate our Daughter’s birthday. I pondered the fact that it was exceedingly hot outside and so cool in the casino. And I rationalized my thought process by thinking I had plenty of time to win back my losses. Time always flew by when I was hypnotized in front of ‘my’ slot machine.
I reached into my pocket for the only cash I had left to my name and called the attendant to get my last rolls of change. This was the money I had promised myself to use to buy my Daughter her very special gift. I rationalized my poor choice to continue by thinking after all this time; ‘my’ machine was going to pay off.
One quarter at a time, one pull of the slot machine handle at a time I spent the remainder of my change.
With tears streaming down my face, I removed myself from the slot machine chair. At that very instant I knew that I knew that I had made the decision to end my love affair with gambling for the rest of my life. I have been learning that tears have value to those that experience them.
I walked out of the Casino for the very last time and did not look back to kiss it goodbye. Like most life changing events, I knew in a heartbeat that I had a lot of changes to make and those changed needed to come from within me. I had no idea at that moment just how many life changing transitions I was going to be going through. Through being the key word I would like to point out. I did know one thing for certain I was willing to do whatever it took.
I hopped in the car this time with the windows up in the heat of the day with the air conditioner running full blast. My gas tank was not on empty but I knew that I was on empty. Financially empty, spiritually empty, emotionally empty. I had lost myself and what was most important to me in life. I knew that I had relationships to mend with my family and most importantly my relationship with God and myself.
It was now almost 5:00pm and I entered the restaurant to meet my Husband and Daughter. As I approached the dinner table where they were already seated, I found myself filled with an overwhelming sadness and fear about telling my daughter that I did not even have a card for her to honor her birthday.
As we ordered dinner and made the usual pleasantries they both asked me where I had been. I stepped into my fear and stepped out in faith. I took a deep breath and began my road to total honesty and integrity and told them both the truth. I then looked my Daughter straight in the eye and confessed I did not have a gift for her on her very special day. She said it was alright and that she understood, yet I knew somehow that she was just being kind to me and that she is human. I realized then that one of my greatest responsibilities as a parent was to work on restoring the relationship I had lost with my Daughter for so many years.
We departed after a lovely dinner. My Daughter joined us at our home for dessert and she stayed for a short time, then leaving my Husband and me alone to talk about the gambling ‘again’. He was understandably upset with me as I had promised him and myself that I would stop gambling almost a year prior. I had been to Gamblers Anonymous (GA) two times during that prior year and stopped attending thinking I could ‘control’ it.
We talked late into the night and could not seem to come up with an action plan. The pain for each of us was so incredibly strong we could not have a reasonable conversation. I had caused him so much pain. He asked me why I kept doing this to him. I did not have a feasible explanation at the time. I know today that I was also doing it to myself.
The following morning I awoke quite early. The early morning hours have always been the most magnificent to me. I knew I had some serious changes to make so I made a priority list.
My relationship with God was of paramount importance to restore so that was first on the list. We visited several Church’s until we found the best fit. The single most empowering part of my road back to recovery was God’s amazing grace!
For the first time in my life I put myself next on the list. Many of us are brought up to think that putting ourselves first is selfish. I believe there is a difference between being selfish and self-focused. When I put myself first, it allows me to care for myself and to care for those I most care about.
The next item on the list was to get a new schedule of Gamblers Anonymous (GA) Meetings. I called my best friend, or shall I say the closest person I had met in GA. When I was actively gambling I had isolated myself from richly rewarding relationships that I hold so dear today.
Next on the list was to take the time to do something nice for myself each day. I began to take much better care of my physical health. It is amazing how the stress from gambling took such a toll on my physical health. I explored new adventures that made me feel happy. It took some time as I had not realized what fun was for so long.
It was of paramount importance on my list to do my best to restore the broken relationships in my life. The relationship with my Husband, my Daughter and I sought out new friends at each GA meeting. I found myself a Sponsor. A close friend and confidant that I could share anything with.
The next thing on the list was to make an appointment to ban myself from all casinos in Arizona. It was a serious commitment and promise I made to myself to ban myself for the rest of my life.
That taken care of, I knew I needed to get my financial house in order. I made payment arrangements with my credit cards and personal loans. After a few months, it became quite obvious that I was not going to be able to keep up with the arrangements I had made in good faith. I did my best yet it had become absolutely unmanageable.
It was a bright Sunday afternoon and we were spending a typical Sunday after Church. I was preparing dinner and my Husband was working on the landscaping out front. Suddenly, my Husband appeared in the kitchen announcing I had been served with a summons from a private lender.
Very early the next morning I called the GA hotline in desperation. Although GA does not advocate bankruptcy, in this case it was necessary to save the home.
It is funny now to hear myself say, "I am grateful for my bankruptcy," yet I am grateful I filed for bankruptcy. Bankruptcy was one of my wakeup calls. It allowed me to start anew and transform my life.
Shortly after filing bankruptcy, I found myself in a shelter for women who suffer from domestic violence/abuse. I made the decision that day that I was going to take my life into my own hands and win my life back one day at time. And when I was back on my feet I was going to give back.
I worked hard at it with the understanding in my heart that I did not find myself in this position overnight. It was going to take time, precious time, to restore all aspects of my life.
In two years I bought a home of my own. Now almost six years later, I live in lovely home of my own on Nancy Lane. How about that!
I was so determined to earn my way back. I didn't even know what success looked like - I just knew I was willing to do whatever it took. I worked, stayed with a friend for a year, attended GA and immersed myself in the study of self-help/personal development and slowly rebuilt my life.
I continued to do my best to rebuild the relationships with my family. Today the relationship with my Daughter and me has been completely restored. It required diligent effort on both our parts one piece at a time. As with all great efforts, it takes time. It was absolutely worth the cultivating and restoring.
Today I can buy my Daughter a birthday gift every day. She is God’s gift to me!
My marriage of 16 years did not survive my life transformation. I believe both of us did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. Today I see our divorce as a gift to my growth.
I am grateful to say that my life is filled today with richly rewarding relationships with my family, friends and colleagues. And I continue to cultivate more on this glorious journey each day.
Along my journey of recovery back to success, I decided that I wanted to own a business of my own. I did not know what that looked like at the time. Yet I did have a vision/mission statement. I wanted to leave a legacy where my life is characterized by the lives that were positively impacted and transformed through my character. I wanted to contribute to the success of others. Again, I was not certain what that looked like yet I knew it when I found ‘it’.
Many lessons I have learned along my journey back to success. My life has been transformed in many areas and I am continuing to grow and learn, body, mind and spirit.
I have learned to make better choices in my life which brought me to a new found freedom than I thought I had years ago. I invest wisely today in my relationships and business. I am grateful to have ended my love affair with gambling which left me on empty. Today my cup is overflowing.
Throughout the years, I had broken many promises to myself and others. Today I honor my promises to myself and others. I am grateful and honored to have had and continue to have my Coaches, Sponsors and Mentors along this journey called LIFE. They could not do it for me yet I did not have to do it on my own.
While I am not complacent, I am grateful to acknowledge I no longer struggle with gambling. The first two times I entered GA I went to save my marriage. What I have learned is that the third time I went to save my LIFE.
Today I honor the promise I made to myself to give back to others. I am an inspired Holistic Life Transformation Coach. I inspire and support others to transform their personal and professional lives based on the 12 steps of recovery that have served me so well in my LIFE transformation.
I am an Author, Inspirational Speaker, Radio Talk Show Hostess and I donate a portion of the proceeds of my business to a home for women and children that still suffer from domestic violence/abuse.
I do not say this to impress you. Rather to impress upon you that I have done it.
And so can you! 'One day at a time'. 'One step at a time.'
Would you be willing to transform your LIFE?
Blessings,
~ Nancy D 
