Tell us your JOURNEY!

A Spiritual Perception... Is there Any Other Kind?

jday76 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 05:25:54 GMT

As my perception of God is evolving I've felt it beneficial to my growth to write about it. I'm hoping that someone reading this can relate. After all relating to each other is how we all got here in the first place.

JD

FLYING DRUNK

veronica — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:52:19 GMT

March 8, 1990: An intoxicated three-man crew, including Flight Engineer Joseph Balzer, fly a Northwest Airlines Boeing 727 with 91 passengers aboard from Fargo, North Dakota to Minneapolis, Minnesota.

July 25, 1990: All three pilots stand trial for flying a commercial airliner while under the influence of alcohol; all three are convicted and sent to federal prison.

July 26, 1990 - present: Joe Balzer fights for redemption and to regain all that he has lost. Flying Drunk is his story.

    Since he was a young boy, Joe Balzer dreamed of flying. He pursued his goal with a vigorous passion and earned his pilot licenses, piling up hours of flight time with a wide variety of planes and jets with one overarching goal: to one day fly for a major airline. But Joe had a problem. He was an alcoholic and refused to admit to himself that he had a problem.
    His alcoholism caught up with him in March 1990, when Joe was arrested with two other pilots for flying a commercial airliner while under the influence of alcohol. His world began crumbling around him and his new marriage faced the ultimate test. He lost his promising career and his dignity. Every major media outlet, including The New York Times, Newsweek, and Time Magazine covered the shocking story for the stunned American flying public. The trial that followed drained Joe's life's savings and federal prison nearly broke him. Flying Drunk is Joe's bittersweet and thoroughly chilling memoir of his twisted journey to a Federal courtroom, his time in the notorious Federal penitentiary system in Atlanta, and his struggle to recapture all that he held dear.
   Today, Joe is a recovering alcoholic, celebrating more than nineteen years of sobriety. The long road back from perdition led him to American Airlines, where good people and a great organization recognized a talented pilot who had cleaned up his act and was ready to fly again, safely.
    Flying Drunk is an incredible journey of the human spirit, from childhood to hell, and back again. Everyone should read and heed its message of hope and redemption. No one who does will ever forget it.
About the Author: Joe Balzer is a pilot for American Airlines with more than 15,000 hours of flight experience. He has a Master's Degree in Aerospace Education and is also an inspirational speaker, traveling around the country speaking to pilots and other groups on the dangers of alcohol and other addictions, bringing his audience to laughter and tears with his powerful message of hope.

Temptation

poetess — Thur, 22 Oct 2009 19:38:43 GMT

Temptation

Today, I feel your power

Luring me with the strength of the devil

Back to memories of fun times,

Carefree days and party nights

Sparkled knowing you would be there

I could rely on you to give me

Strength where I felt weak

Bolster the lost soul hiding deep inside

To one of confidence and new height.

Fear blows over me like a cold wind

I shiver and shake as I reach to call

No answer, no answer, no answer

Cell phones, home phones, pagers

No help today

I run to a place I pray she will be

My rock, my shoulder, my strength

Not many questions, only quiet comfort

The tears come,

Your grip loosens its hold,

You fade away, laughing,

Knowing you can return

Any time you wish

Marcia Ivans

April 2007

http://www.hvlifeonline.com/articles/article.aspx?id=1318

Working Through Process Addiction

aquarianage — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:09:37 GMT

Working through Process Addiction

By Laura Castanza and Julia George 2009

Addiction appears in the lives of every human being in many forms; some very obvious and others, very difficult to detect. Defined as the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice and/or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming our addictive tendency is a relentless pursuit to capture a feeling while simultaneously attempting to avoid another feeling. We try to reach our desired sensation or achieve our non-feeling through the use of substances, processes, or both. It is duplicity at its finest, and instead of capturing, we become prisoners of our own pursuit.

Substance addiction involves the use of alcohol, drugs, and chemicals to alter our state of mind, and is the more obvious reference when we identify addiction. Our society has developed recommended guidelines, rules, and laws of use regarding controlled substances. But, many of us have little control over substances or anything else for that matter. More often we blame every thing outside of ourselves for bringing us to our demise, skirting core emotional issues and behavioral red-flags that could otherwise indicate a tendency toward addiction.

Process addiction is much more prevalent in our society but less obvious to discern. It is the state of being enslaved to habit or practice; it is rooted in our thought process and can affect every aspect of our being. Why? Because it is an active part of our lifestyle which defines our normalcy and is therefore supported by others whose mode of operation is similar. Workaholics, love/relationship addicts, sex addicts, cyber/internet addicts, cell phone addicts, gamblers, food addicts, exercise addicts, codependents are all in process addiction. Enslaved to our habit or practice, we seek others who support our behavior. This negative cycle becomes our normalcy, and sooner or later our normalcy becomes counterproductive to our growth.

There are proven ways to break these cycles.

The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and other affiliated groups (Al-Anon, NA, SLA) has been the most effective means of recovering from the disease of addiction since the 1930s. Bill W. and Dr. Bob were pioneers in the recovery process as Bill W. struggled with addiction: alcoholism (substance) and depression (process).

Because of the social stigma attached to being an admitted addict, anonymity has been imperative to success in recovery. But as we expand our awareness, the truth reveals that there are very few, if any, human beings unaffected by addiction. Understanding that addiction is more behavioral than physical, especially in terms of process addiction, we narrow the gap between addicts (active or recovering), enablers and codependents, and moderates. And really, there is no difference between us except for the choices we make.

Choices the only difference between the addict and the moderates mind is the concentration (or compulsion) of need. Both experience a need, but the intensity level is different between the two; the addicted mind obsesses and/or acts on impulse while the moderate does not; the choices made will reflect the state of mind. In terms of codependents and addicts, there is little difference as the addict can be addicted to anything and the codependent is addicted to the addict.

We are all of this and more. We can be the addict, codependent, and the moderate and are most likely a working combo as these characteristics emerge at different times. No one escapes addiction because of this relational aspect. We cannot ignore our own potential to become a self destructive addict given this new knowledge. Anytime we are driven to pursue something beyond reasonable means or we seek instant gratification, we are in our addiction. These behaviors are socially supported with zero payment credit cards, fast food restaurants, drive-thru liquor stores, online datingetc. No one and nothing can stop usexcept our self.

Practicing emotional awareness can break through the wall that keeps us locked in the cycle of self abuse/addiction. Because our mind affords us the opportunity to act out and dive into the smorgasbord of vices at our disposal, we must train/retrain our mind to become aware of our emotional state, taking control from within. Without our awareness, our thoughts, feelings, and actions have a mind of their own, acting out the repetitive patterns that have been in process most of our lives.

How we feel attributes to how we act. If we feel good, we can be at ease in that knowing (our nature); or we try to preserve our good feeling through resisting and denying other feelings that are not so good (our disease). Tapping into our nature to feel the gamut of emotions residing within us allows us balance. When we deny our emotional body, we exile an important part of our self. We become imbalanced and subconsciously seek to find an even keel through artificial means: people, material things, situations, substances these things can appear to work for some time, maybe a lifetime, but eventually the truth prevails and we are forced to face our self in the final moments of our existence.

With the awareness that we can master our mind, we can change the course of our thinking and therefore our actions. Our addictions can be curbed when we incorporate a healthier process into our being through the consistent practice of being in-touch and in-tune with our self. We are less likely to take a wild ride on an emotional rollercoaster when we recognize how we feel when triggered. Understanding how to become an objective observer of our emotions and refrain from acting out can be discovered and supported, with the help of those who consistently practice emotional awareness and can teach others. With consistent practice and support, we can access the tools we were all born with that will change our choices, and our lives. All we have to do is face the truth and choose to change.

For more information or to discuss this article one-on-one, contact Julia George/Aquarian Age @ 561.750.9292 or aquarianagegallery@bellsouth.net

Going on retreat

jlgault — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 17:02:01 GMT

I've been bleesed in my life with a recovering alcoholic father. He passed away with 29 years sober and 1 was so grateful to be introduced to the 12 step way of life. In 1972, he recognized the difficulties of life in recovery and he started a retreat for AA and Al-Anon members. I went to my first retreat at age 22, which made me the youngest person there. I was relieved to find that nothing was expected OF me but everything in recovery was available to me-fellowship, talks about recovery by an experienced retreat leader, beautiful grounds to explore and meetings. I have now been attending for 36 years and have these retreats as part of my foundation in recovery. I feel like I've gone home when I arrive. I get my spiritual batteries recharged during the weekend.
I have so much gratitude for the life I've been given. Service work has given me so much serenity and love, that I am trying to explore new types of service, including going to institutions, doing public outreach, and sponsoring newcomers. Retreats help me slow down and replenish myself so I can continue this journey. I encourage anyone who hasn't tried a retreat to try one, whether it's for a weekend or a week. They are available everywhere.
God Bless.

Tiffany's Story

ccrtowns — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 06:20:02 GMT

This is a beautiful story,I hope you all will get something from this mom.

I hope this will be chosen for your magazine.

The Case of Mr. Bigg's

Becca — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 14:45:32 GMT

Once upon a time there was a man by the name of Billy Biggs who had a very longyet somewhat unsatisfying life. Billy Biggs was born of humble beginnings at St. Marys hospital in Richmond, VA. When Billy was delivered into this world he immediately became aware that it was cold and Billy did NOT like coldso he began to scream. Billy was cleaned, given a little bitty diaper, wrapped in a warm fuzzy blanket & taken to a room with many other babies. As he scanned the room, Billy realized that he was 3 rows back from the viewing window, (not up front), and did NOT like that. He also noticed that the baby beside him had a much fuzzier blanket than hisbut what really got to him, was that the baby in front of him, (whose diaper was being changed), had a monogram on his diaper! Billy WANTED a monogram diaperand he began to scream! Well, time went by and Billy Biggs was about 36 months old, sitting in the front of the grocery cartsucking happily on his passy. Billys mom was looking at veggies when Billy noticed the baby in the cart beside him had a REALLY cool passy in her mouthand Billy wanted that passy! So do you know what he did?? Why he screamed out, GIVE MEEEE DAAT PASSSSYYYYY!!! and yanked it right out of that babies mouth and stuck it directly into his own! His mother was horrified! She tried to reason with Billy because when she was finally able to retrieve the passy and return it, he was screaming his head off. Billy Biggs finally began schoolhis tendency for dissatisfaction having only grown worse. The school he went to was not the one he wanted to go to. The teacher he had, (no matter which one), was not the right one. The subjects that he took were either to boring or not the right kind. His mother found that no matter what clothes she bought, they were the not the right color, style or just plain wrong. Even when Billy made friendsthey were never the right friends, because Billy always wanted the friends he didnt yet have.

Billy made it to High School and had a 4.0 average, but could never be content with that. He argued with the school board that there should be something higher than average. Billy Biggs somehow managed to get a girlfriend. She was a very sweet, beautiful, kind, intelligent and incredibly patient girlfriend at that. But as you might guess, Billy Biggs wanted somebody better. Billy graduated at the top of his class, but wasnt happy. In fact he had never wanted to be the top of his classhe had wanted to be the top of the class the year ahead of his. Billy went off to college and of course, shortly after arriving was quite unhappy with the school, its faculty and curriculum. He spent his college career trying to show everyone how things could be better. Billy graduated at the top of his class again and decided that from this day on he did not wish to be called Billy, he preferred Mr. Biggs. When he obtained his first job at a prestigious law firm he quickly became disappointed in both the firm and his boss, because he noticed how much both were lacking, compared to what ideas he had on how they could be betterBIGGER!

So Mr. Biggs decided to begin his own law firm and even his own advertisingBIGGS LAW We are better and we are Bigger! He ultimately was very successful, although he could never enjoy itbecause he couldnt escape seeing how it could be betterBIGGER, if only they worked a little harder. Mr. Biggs never married, because he could never find that perfect woman. He never had kids. He made TONS of money, but could never be satisfied, because there was always someone who had more. Biggs had a REALLY BIG house, (many of them), but there were always bigger houses and people who had more than him. He owned many cars and boats, but alas he could NEVER be satisfied. One day, in his BIG house, with his beautiful furniture, looking out at his BIG poolMr. Biggs died all alone. He arrived at heavens gate anticipating FINALLY meeting St. Peter. However, it turned out Peter was on vacation and the saint working the gate that day was named Howard. Howard looked at him and said, Billy! Come on in! Billy, (irritated with being called Billy), said, The name is Mr. Biggs and whats more, who are you? You dont look like Peter. Howard stared at Biggs, (somewhat amazed), and said, St. Peter is out right now, Im St. Howard. Is that a problem? Biggs looked him up and down and said, I havent come all this way to be let into Heaven by a little saint named Howard! After all, Im Mr. Biggs, dont you know anything?? Howard, (trying to be patient), looked at Biggs and said, Well, Im it and coming in here is a one shot deal. Either you come in with me opening the gateor you go to the other place. Howard could NOT believe his ears when Mr. Billy Biggs announced Ill go there! Its GOT to be better and bigger than here!

Of course, this is just a storyjust make believe. But although an exaggeration, havent we all known a Mr. Biggs or better yet, BEEN a Mr. Biggs at one time or another? Isnt it easy to loose the joy found in each moment, each experience, each giftwhen we allow ourselves to give in to the idea that there is something MOREsomething BETTERsomething BIGGER?

I know that for me, this tendency can be so subtle in nature. For example: When I had 30 days soberI wanted 60. When I had 60 days, I wanted 6 months. When I had 6 months, I wanted a year. When I had my first car, (which was used), I wanted a new car. When I got my first apartment, I wanted to have a house. When I got a house, I wanted new furnitureetcHowever Ive found that 9 times out of 10, when I am feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled, it is almost always because my eye has wandered, Ive compared myself to someone or something else and have lost what was once a feeling of joy, gratitude and contentment. Of course the solution is quite thankfully an easy one:

I remind myself that I shouldnt even be here. I should have perished many years ago. However I was spared and given another chance. All that I have and all that I am is because of grace and mercy. Not what I have earned, but rather what Ive been freely given. Remembering this I find myself filled with peace and contentment my mind then eagerly geared to what I can give rather than what I can get.

(Rebecca B.) BeccainBham@aol.com

A Lesson in growing

wooflet — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 15:19:19 GMT

My lesson in growing

I am sitting here, thinking, about the value, if any, of sharing and remembering this soul baring stream of thoughts. If I had a motivation I suppose it would be hope, because the end of the story is one of positive change, of how it is possible and how to embrace it.

If I were to list the good and the ugly pieces of my life, I would list more ugly than good. That may not mean I experienced more ugly than good, just that those memories stand out more. I felt like the odd child out, the duckling in the family of swans, the never good enough one. I wonder, nature or nurture ?

I have heard it said by wiser people than myself, that we learn by learning the consequences. I never got it. I lived in the moment and never considered what if. Does this have some meaning in and of itself ? Did other children actually engage in a weights and measures thought process before acting ?

I had one redeeming quality, beautiful blue eyes. It got overshadowed by a big nose and big ears and unfiltered communication. I am smart in the existential and dumb in the concrete cores. I beat to a different drummer in that I formed my theory and then set about trying to prove it. I didnt figure on adding up evidence to develop a theory. Sometimes my way worked and I dazzled with brilliance, other times I was just nuts.

My fear became public shame and humiliation. I did not want to be at the head of the class, open and vulnerable for criticism. I did not want to be the punch line of family jokes due to my oddness. My life was one of if only from the outside judgment teams to the inside superego.

Here are some quotes from the external if only list:

If only she was prettier, but one day we will pay for a nose job.
If only she worked to her potential.
:If only she could be seen and not heard.

Here are some from the internal list:

If only they would see me in a positive light.
I only they could see me.
If only they could hear me
If only they would stop picking on me.
If only I didnt need someone to stand up for me.

I ran and ran and ran to find a better place or way. After 40 years, not days nor nights, one word, one action, one voice screaming enough I changed. My life changed. I made myself, seen and heard and I made myself matter. I took an eraser and white out and when negativity snuck in, I made it gone again.

I invented me as I wanted to be. I made a two column list, one titled Me and the other everything/everyone else. Then I wrote down any questions I had, and answered by checking the columns as such

Question                                     Me                      Anything Else

Who matters most in my life?           X
Who do I need approval from ?         X
Who hurts me the most ?                X
Who will be by my side forever ?      X
Who picks my beliefs ?:                  X
Who manages my thoughts?            X
Who can change me ?                    X
Who can help me change ?              X
Who benefits the most if I am
happy ?                                       X
Who is my decider                       X
Who is my boss ?                          X

I guess I didnt even need a second column, cause I was holding all the cards and didnt even know it. I taught myself to think, mostly about those consequences I never thought about before. I weighed the benefits and costs to myself. I learned that if I stopped worrying about all else I could make me happy.

And here is the best part: My I am happy magnet attracts what I wanted all along. Aint that something ?

Dealing with Emotional Vampires

patrickwanis — Thur, 11 Jun 2009 19:31:03 GMT

I would like to talk about how to identify, understand, and handle emotional vampires, the people who drain your energy and suck the life out of you; the people that drain you or feed on you mentally, emotionally or energetically the psychic and emotional vampires.

Almost every one of us has someone in our life whom we wish we could change or whom we wish would change; desiring them to do things differently or to be different. It might be a boss, coworker, colleague, team member, friend, family member or worse, a romantic partner.

Understanding that we cannot change anyone (except ourselves) is step one to inner peace. Step two is to understand yourself and others. Step three is change yourself. Step four is clear out of your life those people that are parasites or bring you down. A client of mine was relating to me that all the women in his life expect him to support them (on many levels) but they never support him. I explained to him that there are only two types of relationships: parasitic (one person living and feeding off the other person) and symbiotic (the two people mutually supporting and benefitting each other.)

A parasite can feed off you mentally, emotionally or energetically. I refer to these people collectively as emotional vampires. And when you are around them, you may feel physically tired, drained, sleepy, weak, agitated, low, small, inadequate, low spirits, hopeless, trapped or afraid.

Identifying the emotional vampires

There are many types of emotional vampires:

Narcissist

Controller

Victim

Criticizer

Drama queen

Please note that I always avoid labeling people, and so, the above terms refer to a persons behavior and approach to life. Labeling people robs them of their power and in turn, can give them a reason or justification for their behavior i.e. I cant help it; I am ADD. My intention here is to help you to:

Identify the way people in your life can drain you, (hold you back, rob you of your power, confidence and potential)
Understand the emotional vampires and their behavior
Become empowered by offering you some basic strategies to best handle, deal with and respond to those behaviors and people.

Narcissism

This person needs and demands constant praise and attention. He ignores your feelings and interests; believes that the world revolves around him or her, and almost always tends to turn the conversation around to discuss him or her.

You often feel invisible and pressured to compliment and praise him.

Victimhood

This person is extremely needy; often has a story of how the world has wronged him; has many accidents and bad luck; wallows in self-pity and misery.

You often feel like the parent and therapist to him.

Control

This person dictates and dominates you; he or she is rigid, rarely fun or spontaneous, often telling you what is best for you and how you should be living your life.

You often feel weak and trapped around him.

Criticizer

This person is highly critical, condemnatory and judgmental. He puts others down often and easily points out your flaws.

You often feel inadequate around him.

Drama Queen

This person needs to be center of attention 24 hours a day; he or she is great at getting attention and when he doesnt get it or his way, he creates drama and outbursts believing that the intense emotion is a healthy connection. This person can also be passive- aggressive: seeking your approval and charming while he has it, but aggressive and abusive when he doesnt get it.

When you are around this person, you feel like you are walking on egg shells, hiding your true feelings and riding an emotional roller coaster.

Understanding the emotional vampires

All of the above behaviors stem from negative experiences and programming. In other words, the emotional vampires feel empty and are missing something and thus they turn to you to fill them up with: validation, recognition, attention, approval, love, acceptance, reassurance, personal power, etc. No matter how confident and assertive they may appear, underneath, they often suffer from self-hatred, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame and so forth.

Handling the emotional vampires

1. Mentally and emotionally separate yourself from their behavior: I understand that the way others respond to me is about them

2. Determine if it is possible to end this relationship cut them off from your life

3. Become aware of how you feel around this person (creepy, tense, scared, weak, tired, trapped, shut-down, tight chest, etc) and if bad feelings arise, do your best to remove yourself from the setting as soon as possible (before the person can begin to drain or impact you)

4. Always respond with matter-of-fact tone and approach; maintain your calm and composure by listening but not allowing their words or behavior to enter you; imagine an impenetrable golden light around you

5. Breathe deeply before speaking back

6. Remind yourself that it is their intention to get a reaction from you

7. Limit your interactions with them as much as possible avoid socializing

8. Firmly, clearly and openly state your limits and boundaries

9. When experiencing their tantrums and outbursts, imagine you are dealing with a five-year old child

10. Express compassion and empathy but place your limits

Tips to strengthen and empower yourself

The better you feel about yourself, the less you will attract or be affected by the emotional vampires, and the easier it will be to protect yourself and say no to them. In other words, build your self-esteem, clear out your stuff (doubts, insecurities, negative emotions, etc.) Avoid socially isolating yourself because you can easily become hypnotized, controlled or dominated by the emotional vampire. Use the emotional vampires as a mirror to understand how they reflect you and why they push your buttons. For example, I once had a close friend who would often freak out over the smallest things, turning them into major dramas and disasters. When I took the time to determine why I would respond with anger, I realized that I would often do the same thing turn small things into major disasters. I resented in her what I resented in myself. As I changed my behavior and perception of life, her responses had little effect on me and I was able to master the way to handle her, calming her down while not getting emotional myself.

If you would like support and assistance to be free of stress and worries, use my guided visualization CD which I am giving away as a gift: http://www.patrickwanis.com/nostress

If you would like to comment on this newsletter, go to http://www.patrickwanis.com/blog if you would like to receive all of my newsletters please enter your email address on the home page at PatrickWanis.com.

I wish you the best and remind you "Believe in yourself -You deserve the best!"

Patrick Wanis Ph.D.
Celebrity Life Coach, Human Behavior & Relationship Expert & Clinical Hypnotherapist
http://www.patrickwanis.com

Suicide in Recovery

swisenbaker — Thur, 28 May 2009 21:46:31 GMT

Attend any 12-step fellowship, therapeutic community, or treatment center long enough and you will know or meet someone who is contemplating, attempted, or about to commit suicide.

So why would they consider such a horrific act? Dont they understand that things will always get better? Do they not love their mother and children enough to stick it out? Why did they seem to be happier while using? Why would a famous musician like Kurt Cobain swallow his gun having just kicked heroin and becoming a new dad?

The sad truth is that they are often more equipped to deal with life and all the stress that goes along with it while abusing the drugs and alcohol. It is their solution to all problems, grief, celebrations, and social functions. I know this, as it was my own solution for many years. Many nights I wrestled with the thought that it would be easier if I just didnt wake up.

In the 1980s I attended high school in Plano, Texas. We were locally famous for our football and nationally known as the leading teenage suicide capital. Many of these kids I knew of but one of the girls in particular I knew well. She had a struggle with depression and substance abuse that I couldnt quite wrap my mind around at the time. By this time a list of my peers who met an untimely death surrounded by addiction and poor choices was growing at an alarming rate, however, this one beautiful former drill team member was the first one I knew that took her own life.

A world of ignorance lay between understanding and reasoning as the list of suicide victims increased with each passing year. By the 1990s Plano was again in the national spotlight, as my town became the teenage heroine overdose death capital. Suburban youth started dropping like flies from both accidental and intentional overdoses as the rest of the country watched in shock. Still the ability to make sense of the dark phenomena eluded me as I too sought refuge in the alternate reality achieved through substance abuse.

By 1995 a trail of wreckage was left in my wake including multiple arrests, 13 years of probation, 2 years inside the Dallas County Jail system, a failed marriage, and the loss trust of everyone known to me. It seemed without help I would spend my adult life incarcerated. I did not consider suicide; it was an unknown urge that I could not understand. In March I was separated from alcohol for the last time.

Four years later I remained sober and remarried. My wife Kathy, a struggling addict in recovery, took her own life on Thanksgiving Day.

Whatever it is that you are thinking at this point, as bad as it sounds, the pain was worse and the level of frustration matched. Narrowly clinging to directions shared with me, I spent the next evening at a treatment center working with men and women. As a result, I did not fall into substance abuse to blot out the pain, I did not fight with anyone, nor did I feel it necessary to assign blame. I did cry for weeks and ran through every emotion expected. I had in fact for the very first time in my life realized that I needed no coping mechanism for life, I, in fact, had a new solution. A solution that neither my wife nor any of the names on the almost countless list of my peers shared. A solution so simple. Helping others, it is the very basis of any 12-step fellowship.

Realizing that every drug addict and alcoholic uses drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism, we can now understand many of their otherwise unexplained actions. We drink to escape fear, blot out pain, deal with stress, and build our confidence and most of all to keep everyone and everything at a comfortable distance, as we are uncomfortable with ourselves. Until we have a sufficient replacement we will always return to the same behavior. When the stress and pain get bad enough they will use again, regardless of our wishes or will power. It is a fact that has played out thousands of times and taken thousands of lives.

Understanding this; it is our duty to help whenever possible whether doctor, therapist, counselor, sponsor, mentor, family or friend. This is far too important to split hairs on who is more qualified. They need hope and they need it now. A recovered addict or alcoholic, regardless of education, who has successfully come through this dark emotional state, can get through to a potential suicide victim in minutes rather than days or weeks. The fact is simple, they know they are drug addicts or alcoholics, they know that they cant stop using by themselves or they wouldnt be contemplating suicide. A complete psychic change or spiritual experience followed by selfless giving of time to help those still gravely affected will suffice as a new solution.

The truth is that very few potential suicide victims really want to die, they just want the pain to stop.

In our own transitional housing facility, I have personally worked with men and women who have attempted or threatened suicide in the past. Knowing just how hopeless their situation is, they have come to us believing that they would never find freedom from pain and eventually take their own lives. It is our greatest honor to witness the life-saving connections when one man or woman gets through to another and gives them hope. Without hope nothing can be started, without faith there is no reason for them to try, and without action nothing will be accomplished. These components must all be present, for faith without works is truly dead and without it we may loose one more precious soul.

A Handful & her Sidekick

CharlieG — Fri, 22 May 2009 22:30:49 GMT

A Handful & her Sidekick

By Charlie G.

I wrote this on April 3rd.

Tomorrow would have been my daughter Joys birthday.

She would have been 27.

I lost her at 3.

Unreal.

Ive been stressed because I am going to visit her tomorrow.

The stress hides the pain.

Then two days ago I had to kick 3 girls out of Joys House - a sober house for girls I opened in Joys memory - because they failed a drug test.

It should have been four, but one admitted she might be dirty before the test and pleaded for another chance, saying that she had only slipped once a few weeks ago & it had been eating at her like crazy that she couldnt tell me.

When her test came back clean I gave her another chance, because I know this girl

Her admitting to using drugs before the test wasnt the surprise,

Her using drugs again was.

Two of the other three were also a surprise.

One wasnt.

One bad apple

Tonight we had the weekly house meeting.

It was strained. The girls had lost some friends.

The girl who had admitted using but passed the test, asked if she could go to the movies with the rest of the house (This was a first for the whole house going out on a Friday together the loss of the others had re-introduced them to the reality of addiction, choices & consequences; they were sticking together).

I told her she knew she couldnt she was on early curfew indefinitely.

Then another tried to interject and I stopped her quickly,

And maybe too sharply.

This girl was ALWAYS getting in the middle of things. She is a young, spoiled girl who thinks she is tough.

A real handful.

But so much better than when she came here four months ago.

She had a sponsor, gotten a job, was working the steps, and we had even gone to try to get her GED (it was a holiday, so they were closed, but we rode the people mover around downtown Miami so she could see it), but still,

A handful.

When I realized how I spoke, I apologized, explaining that It was Joys birthday tomorrow & I was a little stressed around this time.

As I was leaving, the handful called out in front of everyone, Charlie, Im starting my period soon so I might be a little bitchy myself this week-end. In a really a sarcastic tone.

I turned around quickly, and just as quickly stopped myself from saying anything as I saw the realization on her face of what she had just said. Then I also saw her tighten her jaw and wait for what was coming a baby who thought she was tough. As I said, she is a handful.

I knew better than to say anything at the moment it would not have been one of our talks,

So I just looked at her quietly (no yelling which is what she was used to at home), and left;

After telling the girl who had relapsed that she could go to the movies with the house tonight, but she was back on curfew tomorrow.

A few hours later the handful,

And ****, her sidekick in Joys House, knocked on my door.

Why arent you guys at the movies with the others? I asked.

We went and bought you a present because youre sad. A handful said.
I told her I didnt want it now; I wasnt sad, I was angry with her. What she had said was disrespectful and worse, looked like she didnt have empathy for what someone else was feeling.

You reminded me of when you came here four months ago, and that wasnt good.

Im sorry. A handful said.

She is, thats why we bought you presents! Sidekick chimed in excitedly.

Presents (plural)? I asked, confused.

And that was all they needed.

A handful brought a bag out from behind her back, and sidekick followed with her own.

They were filled with little stuff from Publix - donuts, beef Jerky, cakes, candy, a pot pie, etc..

Each with a Post It note on it;

The donuts had a note with stick figure on it - with my name above it & a stick in its hand with Pee Test above itand a girl stick figure running away.

The beef Jerkys note said: Men Food (We think boys like this stuff).

The little cakes had a Post It with a stick figure of a bed, and the Joys House, house moms name above it, next to it, a little stick figure dog with Dulche above it (the name of a dog that one of the girls had - that Ive been telling them for weeks that it has to go), and a pictures of little circles beside the stick figure dog, with poo written above them (which is the only going this dog does in the house moms room!), and under it all, in big letters, ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY!

There was a frozen pot pie with a note that said Save for a rainy day.

A moist towlettes pack with a note that said, To clean your car with! (OK, it is a bit dirty Im in it most of the day!).

A Nutty Bar, with a note that said Go Crazy!

And a Florida postcard with a picture of a old man surrounded by bathing suited beauties. Written on the back was, Charlie, we found your Dad! (They know that my dad owned a strip club that I had managed for 10 years while in addiction).

There was a bouquet of flowers,

And a card.

It was a sympathy card with a nice Hallmark quote,

But it was the hand written note that made it suddenly very hard to swallow, though I need to really, really badly.

The card said,

Dear Charlie,

We just wanted to thank you for all you do for us!!

We know we can be difficult at times but we just wanted to let you know that Joy wouldve been so lucky to have a dad as caring as you.

We Love YOU!

From all the girls with love!

These girls made me smile (and yes, laugh a little) on a day I couldnt imagine a smile on.

I cant wait to tell Joy tomorrow.

Damn throat is acting up again.

peace

Perseverance

jessicaj — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:33:28 GMT

Perseverance

Dont ever forget who you are.
Dont ever forget where you came from.
Dont ever turn your back on what you know to be true.
Not for one minute.
In any one day

    His hair hung like strings to his shoulders. Skin pulled taunt outlining his face like a skeleton. Pupils pinned. Teeth reduced to crumbled bone, rotted down to brown. Sweat beads cover his forehead despite the cold, air conditioned room. A bag of bones. Its not him. The friend I once knew is nowhere to be seen. His young, free spirit and devilish good looks replaced now by the devil himself in the form of a junkie. He smiles and dances oblivious for a moment by what he has become. Yet no one who has lost oneself like this is unaware of its presence for a moment. Thats why the drugs are necessary, to help us forget. Forget what we have become.
The next morning, we stand side by side in the kitchen.
I ask him.
What happened?
He begins a brief summation of self.
The description of his life reduced to a few sentences.
There is this monkey. He is on my back. No matter how hard I try to get him off. He comes back. He screeches in my ears. I smack him off. He comes back. I cannot stop this. If I could I would. I have tried. It has me. I am living in hell. But it is what is now.
    Years later, I sit in the basement of a church across the street from a post office listening to old fishermen spin tales about love and whiskey. He walks in. Monkey nowhere to be seen. His hair is clean and cut, like him. I smile but he doesnt see me. My heart sticks in my throat. I wait. Knowing that for the first time, an old friend from then, here to do this thing with me now. I didnt have any friends or family walk my path, I sit quietly and hide my excitement. The meeting ends and we leave with a small nod of acknowledgment. I walk to my car smiling, thinking about our future of coffee talk about the good times turned into this.
Finally. An old friend in which to do this together.

He overdoses two week later.
I never see him again.

   I know today that as long as they dont die they still have a chance knowing from experience that the one thing you cannot undo is death. But I dont always get my way.   He becomes the first of many.
    Still at times, my heart aches. Deep breaths come out in heaving sighs. Thick. Loaded with hurt. I visualize my heart cracking wide open to let the hurt pour out. The deep breaths lighten my chest for moments at a time. Time heals. It always has. I take it minute to minute at first, reassuring myself that each day brings me further from the newest heartbreaking reality of when a friend falls.
     At times I risk safety, caring beyond what others might find wise. The hope that one sentence may stick with someone for a lifetime. Like others have for me. Other times, I just had to see people through. Not to their end, but to mine, in order to get to sleep at night. Beginnings. Ends. Middle of the roads. Left up to Him. I can only save myself. With Him. Only me. This new truth is hard to live by when I witness others hurt. My faith is strengthened by believing that the impossible is possible. The ones who die before me live on now only as examples of the serious fatality of this disease and as reminders of the daily reprieve necessary to maintain my position against it.
   Everyones story has its own slant. Details make the versions different yet the underlying emotional malaise stays the same. Its not really about a drink, yet, that is what connects us here. The drink of our choosing to conveniently drown out the pain of life. We went to it often enough and it changed who we were. No longer straight, we live crooked. Misdemeanors and felonies collected; a normal person turns criminal. Money gone; a housewife turns into a whore. A difficult past seemingly impossible to shake. The injustice of it all edged with a societal stigma that makes it hard for those who lack the experience to commiserate with. The ones who have been there are the only ones who know. Reaching yet again that disgusting space with an ice pick to the brain, eyelids swollen shut and that ever widening hole in your soul the size of the world. The place where one does not know how to physically stop yet could not emotionally fathom taking one more sip.
   Over the years, I have seen people take the alcohol out of their lives and wait the drugs out of their veins and leave before the miracle happened. It took years, both sober and drunk, to realize that once the drink is out of hand, a life contented in sobriety requires work. The big life overhaul. Change it all. It became my one true shot at complete freedom.
    Eventually, I gained enough courage to stop pushing life under a make believe rug. Going out on the edge in new ways, I did my best to own new realities. I had to learn how to withstand the waves that rolled in. Sober. Then maybe, just maybe, I would be able to become an asset to this world again instead of ending a statistic or some detrimental mishap of society.
    It may have been in those missed conversations. Those small breakdowns of communication where I began to miss my mark. I had to start having talks about that which was painful to me. I had to start getting honest in every single area of my life.   Its not that I was a pathological liar or anything. I just had to start getting real about how I felt on the inside. Start matching it up with the outside for the first time in a long time.
Always tell the truth.
   I began to, believing the honesty itself might disallow me to end up like the ones who went before me. Sick, locked up or dead. The opposite of everything I thought would happen, happened. The world did not cave in. No one ran for cover. Instead, an indescribable perseverance was ignited and the simplicity of the words themselves began to finally set me free.

gratitude grace and faith

kellieschnaidt — Sun, 03 May 2009 04:24:14 GMT

My name is Kellie my friends call me Kelli or Jekyll, to me it really dint matter just as long as you call me cause you genuinely care!I BEEN a heroin addict for about 18 yrs give or take I SOLD DOPE STOLE DOPE ROBED LIED MANIPULATED MY WAY RIGHT INTO THE JOINT BY THE YOUNG AGE OF 22 WELL I'M 40 NOW and I'm picking up the pieces cleaning up the damn mess I MADE AND BOY IT SUCKS THE BIG ONE.but AT THE END OF THE DAY I feel victorious and it builds my self esteem and it reaffirms that I DO NT NEED no drugs to get any thing done just will power and the real want to be a success even if it just a Lil old house with my son couple of potables and ab eater of a car that in its self is goal for me right now one I know I can accomplish then once con cure that then I will set the bar higher each time so that I DO NT MAKE THINGS SO IMPOSSIBLE THEY SEEM UNREACHABLE,AND IN TILL THEN EVERY DAY i awake free clean walking and having faith in my god to take me in all the right directions I NEED TO GO i know in my heart that me ,my son and 2 very lucky pitbulls will be blessed with the best of a home soon ....kelkell

Hello darkness my old friend

CharlieG — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 21:41:22 GMT

Hello darkness, my old friend

By Charlie G.

Hello darkness my old friend;
It's been awhile, where you been?
I'm still clean & sober, standing on my own;
Relying on God, I guess I have grown.
I do think of you sometimes, but not nearly as much;
Because I'm facing life on life's terms; I don't need a crutch.
But I see you're still busy, still passing out gloom;
It's on the faces of newcomers, as they crawl in the rooms.
Beaten & broken, they've lost and it shows;
Recoiling from kindness, waiting for "No's".
But no matter how deep you've pushed them, no matter the depth;
They'll soon stand on their own, after doing the steps.
Because once we realize that - the past is the past;
We find the peace we've been seeking, that this time will last.
We realize that drinking & drugging did not fill the hole;
That it's been God all the time, calling our soul.
And when we let down our guard, there comes such relief;
We're suddenly filled; we have inner peace.
So darkness old friend, you need to be on your way;
I need to give thanks; to kneel down and pray.
I need to give thanks to my Power, that has kept you at bay;
So when you wave from a distance, I turn away.
I mean, who'd ever thought I'd be happy while clean;
Me; a shell of a man, and a nasty dope fiend.
So don't go away mad, just go away;
I'm ending this here, I've had my say.
peace

I used to think I could be a 'professional gambler' - Today I am a 'gambling professional'. I am Gambling On LIFE - This is my Story

gamblingonlife — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 05:21:30 GMT

It is an honor and priviledge to share my story with You.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

It was July 9, 2003 in the Valley of the Sun, Phoenix, Arizona. It was sweltering hot.

I arrived at the Casino that day in the relative cool of the morning. The windows rolled down and the warm/dry air was blowing through my hair. I thought what a feeling of freedom.

As I was very accustomed to doing for the past 13 years with my gambling system, I put just enough gas in the car to make certain I could return home after my customary early morning gambling. My preference was to arrive at the casino early in the morning so I could be free to select the slot machine of my choice. The casino was where I felt most comfortable in the entire world.

I enjoyed arriving early when there were the fewest people there. More elbow room and the less interaction with people the better. As far as I was concerned people were a distraction from my flow of gambling. Nothing, absolutely nothing, was as important to me as continuing to gamble.

I was very much aware that it was my only Daughters birthday. So, like the gas money, I had set aside money to purchase my Daughter a gift. Promising myself I would leave in plenty of time to go shopping to buy her something very special.

The air was cool in the casino, where I had invested so many years, days and hours of my life.

As it approached 3:00pm (the hottest part of the day), I was aware we had agreed to meet for dinner at 5:00pm to celebrate our Daughters birthday. I pondered the fact that it was exceedingly hot outside and so cool in the casino. And I rationalized my thought process by thinking I had plenty of time to win back my losses. Time always flew by when I was hypnotized in front of my slot machine.

I reached into my pocket for the only cash I had left to my name and called the attendant to get my last rolls of change. This was the money I had promised myself to use to buy my Daughter her very special gift. I rationalized my poor choice to continue by thinking after all this time; my machine was going to pay off.

One quarter at a time, one pull of the slot machine handle at a time I spent the remainder of my change.

With tears streaming down my face, I removed myself from the slot machine chair. At that very instant I knew that I knew that I had made the decision to end my love affair with gambling for the rest of my life. I have been learning that tears have value to those that experience them.

I walked out of the Casino for the very last time and did not look back to kiss it goodbye. Like most life changing events, I knew in a heartbeat that I had a lot of changes to make and those changed needed to come from within me. I had no idea at that moment just how many life changing transitions I was going to be going through. Through being the key word I would like to point out. I did know one thing for certain I was willing to do whatever it took.

I hopped in the car this time with the windows up in the heat of the day with the air conditioner running full blast. My gas tank was not on empty but I knew that I was on empty. Financially empty, spiritually empty, emotionally empty. I had lost myself and what was most important to me in life. I knew that I had relationships to mend with my family and most importantly my relationship with God and myself.

It was now almost 5:00pm and I entered the restaurant to meet my Husband and Daughter. As I approached the dinner table where they were already seated, I found myself filled with an overwhelming sadness and fear about telling my daughter that I did not even have a card for her to honor her birthday.

As we ordered dinner and made the usual pleasantries they both asked me where I had been. I stepped into my fear and stepped out in faith. I took a deep breath and began my road to total honesty and integrity and told them both the truth. I then looked my Daughter straight in the eye and confessed I did not have a gift for her on her very special day. She said it was alright and that she understood, yet I knew somehow that she was just being kind to me and that she is human. I realized then that one of my greatest responsibilities as a parent was to work on restoring the relationship I had lost with my Daughter for so many years.

We departed after a lovely dinner. My Daughter joined us at our home for dessert and she stayed for a short time, then leaving my Husband and me alone to talk about the gambling again. He was understandably upset with me as I had promised him and myself that I would stop gambling almost a year prior. I had been to Gamblers Anonymous (GA) two times during that prior year and stopped attending thinking I could control it.

We talked late into the night and could not seem to come up with an action plan. The pain for each of us was so incredibly strong we could not have a reasonable conversation. I had caused him so much pain. He asked me why I kept doing this to him. I did not have a feasible explanation at the time. I know today that I was also doing it to myself.

The following morning I awoke quite early. The early morning hours have always been the most magnificent to me. I knew I had some serious changes to make so I made a priority list.

My relationship with God was of paramount importance to restore so that was first on the list. We visited several Churchs until we found the best fit. The single most empowering part of my road back to recovery was Gods amazing grace!

For the first time in my life I put myself next on the list. Many of us are brought up to think that putting ourselves first is selfish. I believe there is a difference between being selfish and self-focused. When I put myself first, it allows me to care for myself and to care for those I most care about.

The next item on the list was to get a new schedule of Gamblers Anonymous (GA) Meetings. I called my best friend, or shall I say the closest person I had met in GA. When I was actively gambling I had isolated myself from richly rewarding relationships that I hold so dear today.

Next on the list was to take the time to do something nice for myself each day. I began to take much better care of my physical health. It is amazing how the stress from gambling took such a toll on my physical health. I explored new adventures that made me feel happy. It took some time as I had not realized what fun was for so long.

It was of paramount importance on my list to do my best to restore the broken relationships in my life. The relationship with my Husband, my Daughter and I sought out new friends at each GA meeting. I found myself a Sponsor. A close friend and confidant that I could share anything with.

The next thing on the list was to make an appointment to ban myself from all casinos in Arizona. It was a serious commitment and promise I made to myself to ban myself for the rest of my life.

That taken care of, I knew I needed to get my financial house in order. I made payment arrangements with my credit cards and personal loans. After a few months, it became quite obvious that I was not going to be able to keep up with the arrangements I had made in good faith. I did my best yet it had become absolutely unmanageable.

It was a bright Sunday afternoon and we were spending a typical Sunday after Church. I was preparing dinner and my Husband was working on the landscaping out front. Suddenly, my Husband appeared in the kitchen announcing I had been served with a summons from a private lender.

Very early the next morning I called the GA hotline in desperation. Although GA does not advocate bankruptcy, in this case it was necessary to save the home.

It is funny now to hear myself say, "I am grateful for my bankruptcy," yet I am grateful I filed for bankruptcy. Bankruptcy was one of my wakeup calls. It allowed me to start anew and transform my life.

Shortly after filing bankruptcy, I found myself in a shelter for women who suffer from domestic violence/abuse. I made the decision that day that I was going to take my life into my own hands and win my life back one day at time. And when I was back on my feet I was going to give back.

I worked hard at it with the understanding in my heart that I did not find myself in this position overnight. It was going to take time, precious time, to restore all aspects of my life.

In two years I bought a home of my own. Now almost six years later, I live in lovely home of my own on Nancy Lane. How about that!

I was so determined to earn my way back. I didn't even know what success looked like - I just knew I was willing to do whatever it took. I worked, stayed with a friend for a year, attended GA and immersed myself in the study of self-help/personal development and slowly rebuilt my life.

I continued to do my best to rebuild the relationships with my family. Today the relationship with my Daughter and me has been completely restored. It required diligent effort on both our parts one piece at a time. As with all great efforts, it takes time. It was absolutely worth the cultivating and restoring.

Today I can buy my Daughter a birthday gift every day. She is Gods gift to me!

My marriage of 16 years did not survive my life transformation. I believe both of us did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. Today I see our divorce as a gift to my growth.

I am grateful to say that my life is filled today with richly rewarding relationships with my family, friends and colleagues. And I continue to cultivate more on this glorious journey each day.

Along my journey of recovery back to success, I decided that I wanted to own a business of my own. I did not know what that looked like at the time. Yet I did have a vision/mission statement. I wanted to leave a legacy where my life is characterized by the lives that were positively impacted and transformed through my character. I wanted to contribute to the success of others. Again, I was not certain what that looked like yet I knew it when I found it.

Many lessons I have learned along my journey back to success. My life has been transformed in many areas and I am continuing to grow and learn, body, mind and spirit.

I have learned to make better choices in my life which brought me to a new found freedom than I thought I had years ago. I invest wisely today in my relationships and business. I am grateful to have ended my love affair with gambling which left me on empty. Today my cup is overflowing.

Throughout the years, I had broken many promises to myself and others. Today I honor my promises to myself and others. I am grateful and honored to have had and continue to have my Coaches, Sponsors and Mentors along this journey called LIFE. They could not do it for me yet I did not have to do it on my own.

While I am not complacent, I am grateful to acknowledge I no longer struggle with gambling. The first two times I entered GA I went to save my marriage. What I have learned is that the third time I went to save my LIFE.

Today I honor the promise I made to myself to give back to others. I am an inspired Holistic Life Transformation Coach. I inspire and support others to transform their personal and professional lives based on the 12 steps of recovery that have served me so well in my LIFE transformation.

I am an Author, Inspirational Speaker, Radio Talk Show Hostess and I donate a portion of the proceeds of my business to a home for women and children that still suffer from domestic violence/abuse.

I do not say this to impress you. Rather to impress upon you that I have done it.

And so can you! 'One day at a time'. 'One step at a time.'

Would you be willing to transform your LIFE?

Blessings,

~ Nancy D